James Gray MP – The King of the claiments

TOP Tory MP James Gray is exposed as a greedy skinflint after claiming for Remembrance Day WREATHS on expenses.

Astonishingly when this perk was finally stopped he had the nerve to COMPLAIN to the Leader of the House.

Another anonymous MP from the British countryside and another scandal. This, however, is worse than Brown paying for his brother’s cleaner, worse than Margaret Moran’s 3rd house paid for by the taxpayer and over 100 miles away from Westminster and her constituency and yes, even worse than that vile MP Hazel Blears who seems to have watched too many property shows.

This leak has shown up a MP in the advanced stages of scrounger syndrome. He has claimed £60 for 3 Remembrance Day poppy wreaths.

Does he view the sacrifice of millions of young men and women over the years as not worth his £60? Is his money too good for them? Is he so poverty-bound that he is simply forced to get back his £60?

No, no and NO. He is just another MP with no backbone. He is an absolutely sordid……thing!

It is this lack of decency and lack of moral standards which truely sets him on his paltry throne as King of the Claimants.

Can you imagine how awful it would be if Britain was run by Fascists?

Can you imagine how awful it would be if Britain was run by Fascists?

They’d make sure everyone carried identity cards and you’d be arrested if you failed to show your papers to a policeman, a policeman who would be armed with stun guns and two handled billy clubs and who’d beat unarmed demonstrators to the ground if they protested government policy. The police would be granted the right to intern suspects without charge for months and if anyone spoke out against the government they’d be arrested as “terrorists”.

There would be constant monitoring of every citizen by CCTV on every street corner, the government would have access to your emails and phone messages, Jesus, they might even do crazy stuff like implanting computer chips in your bins to monitor your rubbish!

Anyone who happened to dislike some aspects of the government’s social policy would be forced out of business and making jokes or speaking your mind about certain protected classes of people could see you losing your job or even your children. The state would gain control over the lives and livelihoods of tens of millions of citizens and anyone who deviated from “acceptable” standards of behaviour would be punished by being deprived of health or welfare assistance.

The state run media would be intimidated into parroting government spin and lies and everyone from doctors and nurses to teachers and neighbours would be expected to report to the government any behaviour which was deemed to be outside government decreed standards.

Who knows they might even go crazy and start invading other countries.

Er. . .

Hang on a minute.

Apologies

Sorry for the absence everyone, have been rather busy for the past few months. Will be posting ASAP though.

Epic Rant

I found this the other day, a rant of epic scale. I find myself agreeing with every word said.

Dear Labour Voters

We meet at last. It’s been 11 years and you’ve enjoyed every moment, haven’t you?

You had f**k all but weren’t happy watching others get on, so you voted for the grinning slimeball who offered you something for nothing, didn’t you? Guess who got rich? You or him?

I digress. Let’s get back to you lot. All 9 million of you. How are things? Still smiling? You’ve had 11 years to make the best of it. So let’s look at what you have achieved. All 9 million of you.

Whilst you’ve been enjoying cheap credit, the rest of us have noticed that we don’t actually own our country anymore. Whilst you’ve been enjoying hot tubs, 4×4’s, gas fired BBQ’s, nail studios, the hairdressers and trying to keep up with the Beckhams, the Magna Carta has been torn to shreds and thrown away. Whilst little Tyson has been riding around on his Argos 27.9% APR financed BMX, 900 years of British History has been shat on.

Ever wondered why you don’t have a villa in Tuscany? Ever wondered why everyone else takes holidays in the Caribbean whilst you go to Menorca?

It’s because you are thick and lazy. And along came a Party that told you being thick and lazy was no good reason for you NOT to have what they had.

You stupid, stupid cnuts. Guess where Tony Blair is now? Do you think he is drawing the curtains on his two bed terraced house, full with M&S trinkets, to hide from the postman? Like you are? Do you think he wakes at 5am, shitting it that the bailiffs will be there at 11 to take away his new Nissan?

Cut to the chase. You’re up to your f***ing eyes in it. £20K, £30K on the plastic? Tax credits aren’t going to help pay that are they? Overtime’s going to be cut because there’s a recession coming. Oooppps. That’s what been paying the minimum due every month, isn’t it? Whilst you’ve been buying sovereign rings, Tag Heuers and Tescos Finest to impress your parents, the party that promised you a shot at being loaded without doing anything has f***ed it all up. And guess who is going to pay?

I know your parents were hard up. I know you grew up with f**k all. I know your parents couldn’t give a s*** about getting you through school properly. They were too busy wife swapping or down the bingo or social. I know you laughed at your teachers.

Guess what?

You’re f***ed. Totally, properly f***ed. You are going to lose your houses, cars, plasmas, koi carp and Nikes. Think your parents were hard up? Just f***ing wait six months. You will KNOW what a diet of pasta and ketchup tastes like. No more Dominoes Pizza in front of the Simpsons on Sky, no more Tandooris. Get your fat, lazy arses in the kitchen and f***ing cook something. Your kids will hate you as their PS3’s head over to Cash Converters, your wife will hate you as you trade in her Louis Vuitton handbag and you will hate yourself when you take a carrier bag out to the car to clear the glove compartment as the bailiff waits.

I hate all 9 million of you. I wish you all the plagues of hell. I want to see the four horsemen of the apocalypse in your Next furnished living room.

In your greedy, petty little pursuit of free “stuff” you allowed MY country, MY rights and MY life to be turned over by a bunch of f***ing snake oil salesman.

I hope it costs you everything, you shites. I can handle 9 million suicides, and frankly with no major wars, there’s no other way we’ll get rid of you cnuts.

F**k off and die!

Blimey

The bonding of men

Having come back from my 4th annual camp with the ACF I have come to realise the bond that I have with the guys.

For example, this year I was put with a group of 6 other lads, only 2 of whom I knew, and both of them I hardly knew. By then end of day one I was not with 6 strangers, I was with:

Rambo,

Chris,

Too Tall,

The Hair,

Maplin and,

Jonty

I am now mates with them all.

I have noticed several other things about cadet mates. Take Jez (Jeremy) for example. I met him in March this year. I have seen him about 4 times since, if not less. However, I know him 1000 times better than people I have been with day in, day out, since primary school – over 12 years!

The language we use is different too. I normally call people “Twat” or “Tosser” if I dislike them. With military mates however I use such words as terms of endearment.

I came home a day earlier than the rest of the company to collect my GCSE results. However, I missed them, my cadet mates, terribly in that day.

At school you would get bullied if you cried over something, at cadets, your mates would be there for you. Cadet mates are both stupid and clever, daring and cautious. They make you laugh, they help you, they take the piss, but they are best mates. I can recognise them in the dark from the way their wear a hat, their webbing or even just their outline in the darkness.

I believe I am on the way to understanding those words said by many about the relationship between soldiers,

The result of these shared experiences was a closeness unknown to all outsiders. Comrades  are closer than friends, closer than brothers. Their relationship is different from that of lovers. Their trust in, and knowledge of, each other is total.

Stephen Ambrose – Military Historian

The three of us, Jake, Joe and I, became…an entity…..This sharing…evolved never to be relinquished, never to be repeated.

Pvt. Kurt Gabel – US Soldier

The thing that I find even more startling is that this is in the cadet force! The camaraderie in the regular army must be simply unimaginable.

People’s Police Service?

All we hear about these days in the papers  is anti-social behavior. Chavs, Neds, Pikeys, Scallies, Skeets, call them what you will. They are all arseholes anyway.

Instead of complaining about it, why not do something? The police are under-manned and anyway, whenever they catch someone they have to fill in a mountain of paperwork. We need to take things into our own hands…

“You wish to be a vigilante” I hear you cry, “You wish to illegally punish youths on a whim?”. Well partly, but no.

The all new ‘People’s Police Service’ will patrol in groups of about 5. Each member will carry speedcuffs, a baton, a radio/mobile and some “Farb gel” (Farb gel is a legal incapacitating spray). One ‘Constable’ in each group will carry a camera. When the patrol see some chavs behaving antisocially the procedure will be as follows:

Cameraman starts to film the act as evidence

Patrol Leader shouts out a warning along the lines of “Please cease that antisocial behaviour otherwise we shall be forced to act and will apprehend you using lawful arrest.”

Chavs ignore warning

Warning given a second time. If reinforcements are required they are called up.

The constables advance towards the chavs, incapacitating them, (using spray and batons if needs be) and cuffing them (having seen them in the act, it is legal to use citizens arrest). Note, all constables will be expected to use non-lethal strokes with the baton otherwise you may be outside the law.

They are taken to, and dumped outside, the nearest police station along with the video evidence.

That’s the plan anyway.  Soon we could eradicate chavs on our streets in a 100% legal, yet effective, way.

Who is with me?

Why I’m avoiding Downing Street

I went to London some weeks ago. I, around 1pm, decided to get a spot of lunch. Having found a suitably cheap food store I proceeded to eat my fill. I then encountered a problem, some lunatic has decided to remove all the bins from London.

At first I thought it a conspiracy by tramps as a way to get food from exasperated businessmen who cannot find a bin for their left-overs, thus giving food to the tramps.  I soon learnt, however, that this is a new (to me at least) anti-terrorist measure by the Honour(less?)able Gordy B.

Supposedly terrorists will decide to put a bomb in the bin to explode later. Can I just ask, how will they do that? It would have to be a big bomb to do any damage from a bin in the street. Most of the power would probably be deflected upwards instead of outwards thus blowing out a few tissues and banana skins but not much else.

Anyway, I was ambling along Whitehall becoming steadily more frustrated when I passed Downing Street. Upon looking through the anti-terrorist gates I saw a bin next to the policeman’s guard box.

Brazenly I walked up to the bars and politely asked if he – the policeman – would dispose of my refuse. The policeman stood up and gave a look of pure hatred. You could see him thinking, “You little arsehole, I’m gonna have you”.

At that moment however, a group protesting about a bypass somewhere in a corner of the UK nobody cares about, came up. Realising that he couldn’t insult a 16 year old in front of them he forced a smile.

With a grimace he took my litter and saying, “Here to help”, put it in the bin. As we locked eyes he brought up his gun in a implicit threat as if to say, “If you try that stunt again….”

That erstwhile readers is why I plan to, for the near future at least, stay away from Downing Street.

Why do I live in a village?

Read through the Parish Magazine today and came to see how much of a stereotypical village, country-bumpkin publication it is.

It had an article entitled:

Hanging Basket Thief Strikes Again!

Amazed as I was by this title I started to read and discovered the most pointless piece of “journalism” in, well, the world.

It detailed the stealing of not one, but two hanging baskets. The real tragedy in this first instance was that;

The plants….were growing happily.

However, as our noble publication points out;

One theft though was not enough! The remaining 2 baskets, and the 2 new baskets had all been fitted with watering devices and the baskets were thriving. Unfortunately the thieves decided the watering devices would be useful, and now two of these have also been stolen.

The writer of this piece of utter bollocks continues in what can only be described as the most trivial comeback ever;

The new “owner” though should be in for a bit of a shock – yes there are some flowers in the baskets (blue lobelia) but the main planting is of mint and tomatoes!

……. who fucking cares about what was in the baskets? I don’t care that they were stolen. What type of depraved person steals hanging baskets anyway? Alan Titchmarsh fallen on hard times perhaps? The infamous basket killer of Cambridge?

This surely is the most trivial piece of news ever, and why? Because I live in a village.

I’m looking forward to next month. What will have been stolen then? A bucket?

AARRGGHH (etc)

Top Gear

Top Gear Sunday. Immense.

It was a laugh-out-loud classic. I was wetting myself from the moment I saw the Spitfire’s. Those guys have class. Kiff the one armed sound man was a true legend, “Jeremy, my arm’s come off!”

Jezza “being a bastard” to Jay Kay was hilarious as well.

I love Top Gear, roll on the next series.

May I ask…

Why are the US 100 years behind us?
Today “US experts” discovered a revolutionary way to avoid being overweight…

exercise.

What a fucking revelation that is

read

Did they not think “Why has no-one though of this before?” I mean, it’s not rocket science is it?

Exercise = healthy

McDonald + TV = Fat

We could “cure” obesity in one go!